I’m Still Haunted By The Super Mario Koala 4 Years After Seeing It

Sometimes, life becomes easier if you look back at the things that made it great. Or, on the complete other end of the spectrum, your life becomes riddled with nothing but sorrow from the cursed things you’ve seen in your lifetime.

I like to think the Mario Koala is one of those cursed things.

My life has never known peace since I set my eyes on him. Roughly once every few months, I find myself remembering that fucked up beast. I don’t know why, he just haunts me. I respect him only because I fear the power he holds over me.

Just in case you forgot, I’m going to make you remember. Because I never forgot him.

The Super Mario Koala is a painted sculpture made by artists Kate Clarke and Bernadette Wallace. He was cursed to live motionless upon this forsaken Earth for nice reasons, though. as part of a fundraiser for the Currumbin Wildlife Hospital Foundation, the Super Mario Koala was created along with many other koalas to raise money for the hospital in the Gold Coast.

The foul creature has lived in Surfers Paradise for most of its life. However, according to reports (Editor’s note: It’s me, I’m ‘reports’ — David), the Super Mario Koala has been on the move. Now at the southern tip of the Gold Coast, he physically haunts the entrance of a Timezone in a Coolangatta shopping center called The Strand. He is now meters from the NSW border. I fear he may attempt to flee interstate.

I fear he may be trying to reach me.

I am a lover of horrible things. I see yucky little freaks and they make me smile. Truly, there is a piece of me that has a deep love for the Super Mario Koala. I simply just wish it would stop taking up real estate in my brain.

I’m in bed. I’m about to fall asleep. A 4-hour YouTube documentary about a YouTuber I’ve never heard of plays wistfully in the background. I feel myself fading into a peaceful slumber, my shitty little body held tightly by my weighted blanket that I still believe one day might cure me of my unforgiving brain rot.

And soon, I fear, there he will be, in the doorway. Still. lifeless. On all fours. He will say nothing, but his eyes beg for eucalyptus leaves. He will breathe in deeply, and let out a bellowing ‘Wahoo!’.

I haven’t slept in years. The Super Mario Koala won’t leave me alone.

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